I'm not convinced the "settling" idea *doesn't* translate directly to men. I certainly know men who have described their relationship/dating status as a matter of "settling" for someone who is somehow not what they had in mind for themselves when they dreamed up an "ideal partner".
As for men not talking about relationships/sex, I think that varies a LOT depending on the guys. I hang out with mostly gay and bisexual men, and I do hear guys talking amongst themselves, and with me, about their relationships/sex lives. This is NOT to say that gay/bi guys are less emotionally shut down and closed off about these topics than straight guys, just that I do hear it occur. ;-) And there is definitely a lot of defining happiness as a relationship in my circles, by both men and women.
Overall though, despite my experiences of it happening around me, I do believe men *are* less likely to talk about these topics, and less likely to willingly define their happiness through relationship status. Your question of why is this... this is only my opinion, obviously, but I think it's twofold. First, yes, in my experience I do believe a lot of it is rooted in cultural conditioning, socialization, social pressure. In a world that divides nurturing and power along gender lines, we're trained from a very early age as to what is considered weak, powerful, powerless, maculine, feminine, strong, vulnerable, emotional, etc., and there are values heavily assigned to each depending on gender. Sexism boxes men up, just in different ways. Men are trained around emotional expression both implicitly and explicitly, and it's hard to say which version of training is more insidious and damaging.
But at the same time, I do believe there are biological roots there as well. This isn't necessarily a popular opinion, but again it grows out of my direct experience. Men's and women's brains, generally speaking, are different. Significantly different. The hormones that men and women are influenced by, emotionally and psychologically, are also significantly different. Not better/worse, no value judgements assigned... simply different, with different results. Of course there are all kinds of exceptions to the rule, but speaking in gross generalizations, different phsysiologies result in different brain wiring.
And personally I've never seen anything wrong with that. Awareness of it is definitely a good thing, along with an ability to push oneself beyond those biological influences if they feel limiting, but in and of itself difference isn't a bad thing. Testosterone and estrogen affect brain chemistry in completely different ways, and I believe therein lies the root of a lot of basic gender differences -- particularly around emotional expression -- and then these become exacerbated when we grow up and are socialized in a sexist, patriarchal society/culture. Values are applied and value judgements place come into play, and things go downhill from there.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2008-03-12 10:12 pm (UTC)As for men not talking about relationships/sex, I think that varies a LOT depending on the guys. I hang out with mostly gay and bisexual men, and I do hear guys talking amongst themselves, and with me, about their relationships/sex lives. This is NOT to say that gay/bi guys are less emotionally shut down and closed off about these topics than straight guys, just that I do hear it occur. ;-) And there is definitely a lot of defining happiness as a relationship in my circles, by both men and women.
Overall though, despite my experiences of it happening around me, I do believe men *are* less likely to talk about these topics, and less likely to willingly define their happiness through relationship status. Your question of why is this... this is only my opinion, obviously, but I think it's twofold. First, yes, in my experience I do believe a lot of it is rooted in cultural conditioning, socialization, social pressure. In a world that divides nurturing and power along gender lines, we're trained from a very early age as to what is considered weak, powerful, powerless, maculine, feminine, strong, vulnerable, emotional, etc., and there are values heavily assigned to each depending on gender. Sexism boxes men up, just in different ways. Men are trained around emotional expression both implicitly and explicitly, and it's hard to say which version of training is more insidious and damaging.
But at the same time, I do believe there are biological roots there as well. This isn't necessarily a popular opinion, but again it grows out of my direct experience. Men's and women's brains, generally speaking, are different. Significantly different. The hormones that men and women are influenced by, emotionally and psychologically, are also significantly different. Not better/worse, no value judgements assigned... simply different, with different results. Of course there are all kinds of exceptions to the rule, but speaking in gross generalizations, different phsysiologies result in different brain wiring.
And personally I've never seen anything wrong with that. Awareness of it is definitely a good thing, along with an ability to push oneself beyond those biological influences if they feel limiting, but in and of itself difference isn't a bad thing. Testosterone and estrogen affect brain chemistry in completely different ways, and I believe therein lies the root of a lot of basic gender differences -- particularly around emotional expression -- and then these become exacerbated when we grow up and are socialized in a sexist, patriarchal society/culture. Values are applied and value judgements place come into play, and things go downhill from there.
(continued below because I rambled too much)