I have been known to discuss relationships with other guys. However, the concept of "settling" in marriage is foreign to me.
I think it is because the concept of a Ms. Right isn't as prevalent as the concept of Mr. Right. It's not like guys are supposed to be spending their young adult life looking for Ms. Right. In terms of marriage, they're looking for someone they love and want to spend the rest of their life with. That's how it tends to be presented in literature, at least.
If you've found someone that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't call it "settling". (I'd call it fortunate, at least if the feeling is mutual.)
In talking now with Tara and trying to explain it to her, her response was "So women are culturally led to look for the ONE guy, while men are led to believe there are a lot of potential wives?" and my response was "no".
The questions is framed differently for men than for women. (By "framed differently", I'm thinking about something I've heard a lot recently in political discussions-- that one of the reasons that the Right tends to do so much better than the Left is that they are much better at "framing the discussion", so the Left is at an immediate disadvantage, discussion the issues within the context and vocabulary set by ther Right.) Back to my point, our culture frames it differently for men than for women. For women, it is framed in terms of Mr. Right, Price Charming, the One True Love. It's about the person, and it's either that person or "settling". With men, it framed in terms of finding a woman whose qualities (be they beauty, grace, intelligence, wit, charm kindness, creativity, humour, moral strength or whatever-- they will differ from person to person) lead you to love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Either she has these or she doesn't. If she does, you are expected to propose. If she doesn't, you shouldn't. They question of "number" and "settling" don't come up. They can't, because the way the situation is framed.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2008-03-12 10:16 pm (UTC)I think it is because the concept of a Ms. Right isn't as prevalent as the concept of Mr. Right. It's not like guys are supposed to be spending their young adult life looking for Ms. Right. In terms of marriage, they're looking for someone they love and want to spend the rest of their life with. That's how it tends to be presented in literature, at least.
If you've found someone that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't call it "settling". (I'd call it fortunate, at least if the feeling is mutual.)
In talking now with Tara and trying to explain it to her, her response was "So women are culturally led to look for the ONE guy, while men are led to believe there are a lot of potential wives?" and my response was "no".
The questions is framed differently for men than for women. (By "framed differently", I'm thinking about something I've heard a lot recently in political discussions-- that one of the reasons that the Right tends to do so much better than the Left is that they are much better at "framing the discussion", so the Left is at an immediate disadvantage, discussion the issues within the context and vocabulary set by ther Right.) Back to my point, our culture frames it differently for men than for women. For women, it is framed in terms of Mr. Right, Price Charming, the One True Love. It's about the person, and it's either that person or "settling". With men, it framed in terms of finding a woman whose qualities (be they beauty, grace, intelligence, wit, charm kindness, creativity, humour, moral strength or whatever-- they will differ from person to person) lead you to love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Either she has these or she doesn't. If she does, you are expected to propose. If she doesn't, you shouldn't. They question of "number" and "settling" don't come up. They can't, because the way the situation is framed.
Or so it seems to me.