the social gender distinction is between "do I say yes?" and "can I ask?"
"Settle" is a description of an outlook for answering "do I say yes?" when the question has become immediate; the meta-question behind it is "will someone better ask?" and the viewpoint behind "settle" is "probably not" or "be realistic about what is tangibly possible" or something like that.
"Can I ask?" (and its diverse relatives, along the lines of "do I want to ask?" and "will she laugh?" and "am I good enough to expect a yes?" for a plethora of varieties of "good") can't be answered with "settle", as an outlook; this is the sort of question which produces "a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" and the various myths of the efficacy of love and boldness. (Most romantic stories from the guy side are "if you are brave enough, she'll say yes" if you boil them down far enough.)
So there's no male structural equivalent, in the sense of "should I say yes?" not being a culturally male question quite yet; in the sense of there being an equivalent question, I think that's "can I ask?", and I've certainly heard that one discussed in male social contexts.
Generally elliptically and cryptically, but, well. That was hardly unique to the specific emotional subject.
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branchandroot
traditionally
Date: 2008-03-13 12:45 am (UTC)"Settle" is a description of an outlook for answering "do I say yes?" when the question has become immediate; the meta-question behind it is "will someone better ask?" and the viewpoint behind "settle" is "probably not" or "be realistic about what is tangibly possible" or something like that.
"Can I ask?" (and its diverse relatives, along the lines of "do I want to ask?" and "will she laugh?" and "am I good enough to expect a yes?" for a plethora of varieties of "good") can't be answered with "settle", as an outlook; this is the sort of question which produces "a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" and the various myths of the efficacy of love and boldness. (Most romantic stories from the guy side are "if you are brave enough, she'll say yes" if you boil them down far enough.)
So there's no male structural equivalent, in the sense of "should I say yes?" not being a culturally male question quite yet; in the sense of there being an equivalent question, I think that's "can I ask?", and I've certainly heard that one discussed in male social contexts.
Generally elliptically and cryptically, but, well. That was hardly unique to the specific emotional subject.
-- Graydon