My experiance has been that when my wife or women in general complain about something in the relationship, she feels that she is sharing something. She is sharing how she feels. She wants to talk about it and let me know how she is feeling. And while she would like to have whatever it is worked on, the main point of the whole thing isn't necessarily about fixing the problem. Whatever that problem may be. Its about sharing and understanding. Although fixing it isn't something to be spurned and is neccessary at times, its not the be all ending of the conversation.
For me, and most men I know, if I had a problem with our relationship so grating that I had to openly complain to others and big enough that I had to put an emotional stress on my wife and also demanded immediate time and attention towards the problem. Then the problem would have to be a big one. I wouldn't be mainly looking to share and understand all the issues involved. Although I'd accept that, as a potentially necessary step, in order to get what I was mainly wanting. Which is in short the problem fixed and co-jointly important, not revisted. Ideally not ever again but likely I'd settle for a year or more without revisitation.
Now my wife gets very mad at me sometimes, because she will raise to my attention a problem or complaint and I'll do my best to fix that problem. Then move on, saying its fixed to the best of our abilities (assuing it really is as far as I can tell). And she honestly doesn't understand my frustration with going over the same issue again and again.
To me if there is a problem and its not fixed, and we keep revisiting it again and To her she is sharing and undersanding and working on the problem and in her mind that's important because it means things aren't getting worse and are most likely getting better. again it then becomes a real danger. Meaning we have a bigger problem than I thought and a potentially unsolvable one. Which to my way of thinking and feeling is a bigger threat to my future harmony and continuing relationship than several complaints all of which occured in a row, one after the other, but which have all been successfully resolved.
I think in a general sense women want to share and understand and work through a relationship problem and men want to fix and resolve and end a relationship problem. If the man is unwilling to put some time and effort into understanding the problem then the women isn't going to be happy, despite all the fixing in the world. But by the same token if the woman is unwilling to eventually seek closure and drop an issue, then the man will be unhappy, no matter how well he understand the problem and all the improvments that have been made on the issue.
In short the way I see it, is that men have an. If its not broke don't fix it way of looking at things. Meaning unless its a threat to the relationship its not a big problem and doesn't need to be truely stressed on. However if there is a problem then it needs fixing or else its a big problem and a threat to the relationship.
But hey that's just me and what I've seen. I could very well be all wrong and way off regarding things in general. Always keeping in mind that each and every individual is a special and unique butterfly, unable to be neatly categorized and boxed into a blanket generalization.
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branchandroot
Troubled Relationships
Date: 2008-03-17 07:13 am (UTC)For me, and most men I know, if I had a problem with our relationship so grating that I had to openly complain to others and big enough that I had to put an emotional stress on my wife and also demanded immediate time and attention towards the problem. Then the problem would have to be a big one. I wouldn't be mainly looking to share and understand all the issues involved. Although I'd accept that, as a potentially necessary step, in order to get what I was mainly wanting. Which is in short the problem fixed and co-jointly important, not revisted. Ideally not ever again but likely I'd settle for a year or more without revisitation.
Now my wife gets very mad at me sometimes, because she will raise to my attention a problem or complaint and I'll do my best to fix that problem. Then move on, saying its fixed to the best of our abilities (assuing it really is as far as I can tell). And she honestly doesn't understand my frustration with going over the same issue again and again.
To me if there is a problem and its not fixed, and we keep revisiting it again and To her she is sharing and undersanding and working on the problem and in her mind that's important because it means things aren't getting worse and are most likely getting better.
again it then becomes a real danger. Meaning we have a bigger problem than I thought and a potentially unsolvable one. Which to my way of thinking and feeling is a bigger threat to my future harmony and continuing relationship than several complaints all of which occured in a row, one after the other, but which have all been successfully resolved.
I think in a general sense women want to share and understand and work through a relationship problem and men want to fix and resolve and end a relationship problem. If the man is unwilling to put some time and effort into understanding the problem then the women isn't going to be happy, despite all the fixing in the world. But by the same token if the woman is unwilling to eventually seek closure and drop an issue, then the man will be unhappy, no matter how well he understand the problem and all the improvments that have been made on the issue.
In short the way I see it, is that men have an. If its not broke don't fix it way of looking at things. Meaning unless its a threat to the relationship its not a big problem and doesn't need to be truely stressed on. However if there is a problem then it needs fixing or else its a big problem and a threat to the relationship.
But hey that's just me and what I've seen. I could very well be all wrong and way off regarding things in general. Always keeping in mind that each and every individual is a special and unique butterfly, unable to be neatly categorized and boxed into a blanket generalization.
The Deposed King