This is totally foreign to me, but that may be because I grew up hanging out with queers and polyfolk. Hell, I met my now-husband on alt.polyamory, a forum basically dedicated to discussing relationship problems and how to fix them. You mean there are people who don't talk to their friends about their relationships? That's like parents who won't argue in front of their children!
I should note, though, that the important context for me is two big assumptions:
1) The purpose of one of my partners talking to a friend about our relationship issues is to ask the friend's help or advice (even if the only help needed is "let me whine about this so that the next time I see [partner] I will be capable of discussing this reasonably") or to support the friend in dealing with similar issues.
2) I will hear about any big complaints that my partner has about me or our relationship, and they will be brought up in a responsible and reasonable way.
A partner having a big problem with me and not telling me? Not cool. A partner bad-mouthing me to others without presenting it as something they need to come to terms with or we need to work together on fixing? Not cool. Fortunately, in my little subculture that sort of asinine, dishonest behavior is very far from the norm, and in my relationships it would be completely unthinkable. Is it more common in the more mainstream world?
EDIT: Actually, there's a third big assumption, which is that my partner is at least as eager to talk about the good stuff as the bad stuff. A partner telling friends when I fuck up and never telling them when I get things right would make me very unhappy, and yes, would feel like a betrayal. Again, though, that's unthinkable, especially as one of the things I look for in a partner is an attitude of celebrating even the smallest everyday joys in life.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2008-03-19 04:31 am (UTC)I should note, though, that the important context for me is two big assumptions:
1) The purpose of one of my partners talking to a friend about our relationship issues is to ask the friend's help or advice (even if the only help needed is "let me whine about this so that the next time I see [partner] I will be capable of discussing this reasonably") or to support the friend in dealing with similar issues.
2) I will hear about any big complaints that my partner has about me or our relationship, and they will be brought up in a responsible and reasonable way.
A partner having a big problem with me and not telling me? Not cool. A partner bad-mouthing me to others without presenting it as something they need to come to terms with or we need to work together on fixing? Not cool. Fortunately, in my little subculture that sort of asinine, dishonest behavior is very far from the norm, and in my relationships it would be completely unthinkable. Is it more common in the more mainstream world?
EDIT: Actually, there's a third big assumption, which is that my partner is at least as eager to talk about the good stuff as the bad stuff. A partner telling friends when I fuck up and never telling them when I get things right would make me very unhappy, and yes, would feel like a betrayal. Again, though, that's unthinkable, especially as one of the things I look for in a partner is an attitude of celebrating even the smallest everyday joys in life.