Fascinating, and the original posts make me rather angry, but I find it interesting that in the time I've lived in Japan I've basically been given a crash course in And yes, while in theory, 'no' is a perfectly acceptable, valid response, you are dumping the responsibility of it on me. You are not a part of my life. You are not someone I know. You should be aware that your freedom to ask is also your freedom to burden me, who grew up in a social context of which you must be completely and utterly unaware.
I believe I have less trouble saying "no" than other people (though I am certainly not free of that socialized "don't hurt their feelings" guilt), but in Japan, that idea of asking someone for something they can't give being a burden on them is so completely self-evident that people don't really try to hide their sense of "oh you are burdening me by asking me this" (though of course they never say that explicitly, that would be unforgivably blunt). So rather than imposing burdens, one learns not to ask at all, or to phrase the question in such a way that there's an opt-out built in.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2008-04-23 01:55 am (UTC)And yes, while in theory, 'no' is a perfectly acceptable, valid response, you are dumping the responsibility of it on me. You are not a part of my life. You are not someone I know. You should be aware that your freedom to ask is also your freedom to burden me, who grew up in a social context of which you must be completely and utterly unaware.
I believe I have less trouble saying "no" than other people (though I am certainly not free of that socialized "don't hurt their feelings" guilt), but in Japan, that idea of asking someone for something they can't give being a burden on them is so completely self-evident that people don't really try to hide their sense of "oh you are burdening me by asking me this" (though of course they never say that explicitly, that would be unforgivably blunt). So rather than imposing burdens, one learns not to ask at all, or to phrase the question in such a way that there's an opt-out built in.