Santa Claus in the ASD household
Dec. 2nd, 2010 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
msagaraThe store is moved, and two thirds of it is on the shelves; the computer that died (which was ancient) has been replaced with a computer that's less ancient, and it's now sitting on the new countertop in said store; I've finished contract negotiations for something upcoming in future (about which I'll speak more when things are completely firm), and I've been working at catching up on the writing I lost to the move and the convention.
I still have outstanding reading (not books, not reviews, but pre-pubbed things I really want to read), which I hope to catch up on in the week to follow.
Because it's heading into that time of year, I want to talk about Santa Claus in our ASD household.
Santa Claus is one of those magical memories of early childhood; it's an act, a play, an annual daydream. I understand that for many children and many families, Santa Claus is part of what makes the holiday special.
We had a few discussions about Santa Claus in my oldest son's early life--and we decided that in our house, there would be no Santa. Our reasons for it were pretty simple: Santa Claus is a lie. There are reasons for invoking that particular lie--but they're not reasons my oldest would have understood; what he would have clearly seen and known was that we'd lied to him. We'd told him that Santa Claus existed, when we knew, in fact, that he didn't. We would pretend to be Santa.
I think he would have enjoyed it, for what it's worth. I think he would have enjoyed the mystery and the desire to catch Santa in the act; I think he would have enjoyed the idea of someone sneaking into the house to leave presents.
But I think he would have also been very, very unhappy when the truth--as it always does, because it's some small part of coming-of-age--got out. Telling him that we were lying to him because it was a game wouldn't have worked because, in the way of small children everywhere, he would have argued that Santa did exist because his parents had told him so.
In his universe, it would have eroded his trust in us. It would have added an element of doubt and confusion that we felt would make things more difficult for him; he needed to believe that we were explaining the world as it actually was when he asked for explanations.
However, the question of Santa Claus did arise in grade one. The kids in his class were, of course, talking about Christmas, presents, and what they wanted from Santa. They probably did this in junior and senior kindergarten as well, but in the classroom environment of that time, he didn't pick up on it; with the grade one Teacher, he became slowly comfortable enough that he could. The other children absolutely insisted Santa Claus existed, and he came home to ask me about it.
So. I didn't want him to run back to school and insist that Santa did not, in fact, exist, but I didn't want to put myself in the position of agreeing, for the reasons mentioned above.
What I eventually said (because I'd been thinking about it for years) was this:
Santa Claus is a story we tell our children. It's not a lie, but like stories--The Very Hungry Caterpillar, which was one of the few books he liked as a small child--it's not factual. It's meant to evoke excitement and anticipation; it's meant to be a happy thing.
But, he said, one of the girls in his class insisted that Santa Claus really existed--her parents had told her so, and she absolutely believed them. This, of course, made sense to my son; he believed his own parents, after all. Why did her parents say this if it wasn't the truth?
I didn't want him to feel any scorn or derision; I didn't want him to be outraged by the idea that the parents were involved in an elaborate hoax.
"Because they love the story. It's a story they were told as children. It's a story they believed as children, and when your classmates have children of their own, they're likely to tell their own children the same story, for the same reason. Santa Claus doesn't exist, except as part of that story, but it's a happy story, and people want to share some of that happiness."
"But the children believe in him." (He called his classmates the "children" for a very long time.)
"Yes. Yes, they do."
There was a pause while he digested this. He finally said, "But it's okay to believe in Santa Claus?"
I said, "Yes. We can't tell you he exists in the real world, but yes--it's okay to believe it if you want."
And he said, "I think I'd like to believe it, then."
It was a very odd conversation, but in hindsight, I'm happy with it.
I still have outstanding reading (not books, not reviews, but pre-pubbed things I really want to read), which I hope to catch up on in the week to follow.
Because it's heading into that time of year, I want to talk about Santa Claus in our ASD household.
Santa Claus is one of those magical memories of early childhood; it's an act, a play, an annual daydream. I understand that for many children and many families, Santa Claus is part of what makes the holiday special.
We had a few discussions about Santa Claus in my oldest son's early life--and we decided that in our house, there would be no Santa. Our reasons for it were pretty simple: Santa Claus is a lie. There are reasons for invoking that particular lie--but they're not reasons my oldest would have understood; what he would have clearly seen and known was that we'd lied to him. We'd told him that Santa Claus existed, when we knew, in fact, that he didn't. We would pretend to be Santa.
I think he would have enjoyed it, for what it's worth. I think he would have enjoyed the mystery and the desire to catch Santa in the act; I think he would have enjoyed the idea of someone sneaking into the house to leave presents.
But I think he would have also been very, very unhappy when the truth--as it always does, because it's some small part of coming-of-age--got out. Telling him that we were lying to him because it was a game wouldn't have worked because, in the way of small children everywhere, he would have argued that Santa did exist because his parents had told him so.
In his universe, it would have eroded his trust in us. It would have added an element of doubt and confusion that we felt would make things more difficult for him; he needed to believe that we were explaining the world as it actually was when he asked for explanations.
However, the question of Santa Claus did arise in grade one. The kids in his class were, of course, talking about Christmas, presents, and what they wanted from Santa. They probably did this in junior and senior kindergarten as well, but in the classroom environment of that time, he didn't pick up on it; with the grade one Teacher, he became slowly comfortable enough that he could. The other children absolutely insisted Santa Claus existed, and he came home to ask me about it.
So. I didn't want him to run back to school and insist that Santa did not, in fact, exist, but I didn't want to put myself in the position of agreeing, for the reasons mentioned above.
What I eventually said (because I'd been thinking about it for years) was this:
Santa Claus is a story we tell our children. It's not a lie, but like stories--The Very Hungry Caterpillar, which was one of the few books he liked as a small child--it's not factual. It's meant to evoke excitement and anticipation; it's meant to be a happy thing.
But, he said, one of the girls in his class insisted that Santa Claus really existed--her parents had told her so, and she absolutely believed them. This, of course, made sense to my son; he believed his own parents, after all. Why did her parents say this if it wasn't the truth?
I didn't want him to feel any scorn or derision; I didn't want him to be outraged by the idea that the parents were involved in an elaborate hoax.
"Because they love the story. It's a story they were told as children. It's a story they believed as children, and when your classmates have children of their own, they're likely to tell their own children the same story, for the same reason. Santa Claus doesn't exist, except as part of that story, but it's a happy story, and people want to share some of that happiness."
"But the children believe in him." (He called his classmates the "children" for a very long time.)
"Yes. Yes, they do."
There was a pause while he digested this. He finally said, "But it's okay to believe in Santa Claus?"
I said, "Yes. We can't tell you he exists in the real world, but yes--it's okay to believe it if you want."
And he said, "I think I'd like to believe it, then."
It was a very odd conversation, but in hindsight, I'm happy with it.
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no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 06:57 am (UTC)And thank you :). Cast in Ruin is the title of the next book. I'm working on Cast in... (Danger is the provisional title, but I don't love it, so I'm still trying to come up with something different), but Ruin is 2011's Cast novel. I'm not the one who chooses format, so while I would love someday to see the books in hardcover, I'm not sure it will happen any time soon.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 06:59 am (UTC)It's sentimental, I think; it harkens back to a time when things were magical and the kids were excited about Santa. I remember being one of those kids; we didn't have advent calendars, but we made construction paper chains and taped them to the walls and we could cut one link for each day that had passed.
My mother will sometimes say something's from Santa, and I think that's why.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:00 am (UTC)I really wanted to avoid his doing this. It only became a problem in grade one, because in grade one he actually started to pay attention to some of what the other kids said. But I think he sometimes thought other children were like space aliens; he didn't expect to understand them.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:01 am (UTC)I like that one, too! I might have tried something similar had I thought I could make it make sense.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:04 am (UTC)Sadly, well is not how it went. The store is open, but a third of the books are still in the garage, and construction is still ongoing. It's been... hmm. I'm about to start ranting. I'll stop now.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:07 am (UTC)Religion as a topic did come up, at around the same time, because we had to explain the meaning of Christmas. Faith, for me, was harder to explain, although I think his take on it was not dissimilar. I can, for instance, say Santa Claus does not exist. God is more personal.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:09 am (UTC)This is partly what I was afraid of, fwiw. At base, whatever the reasons for it, it will be seen as a deception, because that's what it is. I think I might have tried to go the "surprise party" route, as in, try to explain that sometimes we lie in order to surprise people in a good way -- but I'm not sure it would have worked. It would have made him feel stupid for believing us, I think, and I wasn't willing to take that risk at the time.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:23 am (UTC)She *never* called him Santa.
Like the Eumenides, or the Good People, his actual name was too powerful, and scary, to use.
I'd have gone for the guy's neck-job-life, but I was in extreme child-calming mode for a good long while.
It was all rather astonishing.
But even lacking the drama, I don't think we'd have done the Santa thing either.
Everyone has to invent their own how-to-parent, but it seemed important to me not to lie.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 09:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 10:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 11:43 am (UTC)I understand now as a parent that my parents were trying to do something magical for me and considering all the other places they messed up that what they did about Santa was actually very sweet. But as a child I was very very angry - and pretty much channeled that anger and ruining every other kids and making them feel stupid and betrayed about Christmas too.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:51 pm (UTC)And anyway, I agree that God is more personal. I believe everyone interprets faith personally anyway, whatever denomination they belong or do not belong to.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 09:54 pm (UTC)In 4th grade (so I would've been 8), I was highly suspicious of the whole "Santa Claus" thing. So I conducted a secret experiment to prove Santa's existence / non-existence. I asked Santa for a specific gift, and made no mention of said gift to anyone else. (And not the hot toy of the year, either -- a biography of The Red Baron. Not something you'd be liable to guess by chance.) When it appeared under the tree (from 'Santa' even!) I knew that meant Santa existed. However, clearly there wasn't anyone flying all over the entire earth in one night, popping down chimneys to leave gifts, because that was physically impossible. So how to resolve the two?
Since I was Catholic, and familiar with praying for the intercession of the saints, it made perfect sense that this is what Santa Claus was -- the intercession of Saint Nicholas to inspire people with the holiday spirit and giving gifts that they otherwise wouldn't. So he didn't really exist, but at the same time, he did exist. 30-odd years later, this explanation still makes sense to me. :-)
no subject
Date: 2010-12-04 06:31 am (UTC)Child walks in, looks at Santa, gets this look of awe and fear. Looks to parents for reassurance that yes, OMG, this is the real deal, SANTA IS REAL? Santa plays along, the parents work at convincing the child. And the child isn't sure if he wants to believe, but maybe, because I mean the adults are so very *sure*.
Something about watching that scene play out over and over made me hurt somewhere inside. It started to feel too much like the parents were pushing their expectations and desires onto the child, and the child didn't ask for it. Even when the child was leaning towards being ready to not believe, there's mom and dad and grandparents pushing the other way. I like your way better. I would want my kid to feel like there's magic and wonder in the world, but not through what essentially does boil down to a lie. Even a nice lie.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 05:44 pm (UTC)Then we became incultated with the notion of Christmas and Santa. I can remember as a child not really believing my classmates that such a being existed, especially since he never put an appearance in at my house - and I was a good child ;). The presents were always marked from my parents etc.
However, on the off chance that logic was wrong and that everybody else was right, I did write a letter to Father Christmas one year asking for an cap gun (and a doll just in case he was real, I didn't want him to think I was a freak wanting boys' toys instead of girls') and posted it care of the North Pole.
Needless to say, I got neither...
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Date: 2010-12-08 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-12-31 05:30 am (UTC)This came out of my experience with my little brother (now 29) who when he found out about Santa not being real (at five years old) was so devastated it broke my heart. He just kept saying over and over to my mom, "You lied! You lied to me!"
Needless to say, I couldn't go through that again! ;)
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Date: 2011-01-06 06:10 pm (UTC)Are you going to be doing a House Name signing at Bakka Phoenix?
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Date: 2011-01-06 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 03:09 am (UTC)Are you going to be doing a House Name signing at Bakka Phoenix?
I'm happy to sign the book for anyone who comes into the store - but the store is not quite finished yet, so I don't think we have any official anything until February at the earliest...
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Date: 2011-03-16 07:37 pm (UTC)- Shane Rebenschied
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Date: 2011-04-09 02:49 pm (UTC)meilleur rachat de credit
Date: 2011-04-24 12:41 am (UTC)