There are many ways to communicate, and not all of them are verbal. I think in words; my husband thinks in words. This makes the primary form of thought and interaction at least similar. We don't use words the same way, but we think in words.
There are some couples for whom words are difficult, and some halves of couples for whom words are difficult, especially when they're emotional. The live and parse things far more intuitively.
But in the example above - and it's only one - the assumption I make is that the goal of the discussion/argument is to further understanding.
In the case, for instance, in which a parent is absolutely horrified and enraged when their child comes out (and I saw a lot of this in high school), there is no such goal. It's not the same type of discussion; it's not a case in which there's a concerted effort to be on the same side.
Sometimes time changes that. Sometimes seeing that your children have not destroyed their lives by their decisions will also change that. People don't like change; many people find it threatening, and it takes time to absorb and deal with all of the assumptions and anger, and to process them, accept them, and open up.
Sometimes this never happens.
If my husband were an entirely different person - if he were, for instance, one who said "this isn't a problem for me - so it's your problem and you have to learn how to deal with it", and that was the extent of the discussion, we wouldn't be together, because we would not be compatible. His starting point was "this isn't a problem I would have, but if it is causing you pain, it is a problem for me, because I don't want to cause you pain."
Ummm, I may have misinterpreted the point you were trying to make, though. I am assuming that you are saying that sometimes we need to examine - and possible let go of - our feelings and positions in order to compromise. I can see cases in which that's true, but I think it's part of the process.
There are certainly things I had to examine and let go of; there are at least as many things that he examined in the same way. But I had to know - for myself - which was which. There were some things I let go of (my husband cannot be on time to save his life, and I was raised in a household where I was grounded for a week for being 5 minutes late) - but the decision was, and had to be, mine.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2012-05-24 07:54 am (UTC)There are some couples for whom words are difficult, and some halves of couples for whom words are difficult, especially when they're emotional. The live and parse things far more intuitively.
But in the example above - and it's only one - the assumption I make is that the goal of the discussion/argument is to further understanding.
In the case, for instance, in which a parent is absolutely horrified and enraged when their child comes out (and I saw a lot of this in high school), there is no such goal. It's not the same type of discussion; it's not a case in which there's a concerted effort to be on the same side.
Sometimes time changes that. Sometimes seeing that your children have not destroyed their lives by their decisions will also change that. People don't like change; many people find it threatening, and it takes time to absorb and deal with all of the assumptions and anger, and to process them, accept them, and open up.
Sometimes this never happens.
If my husband were an entirely different person - if he were, for instance, one who said "this isn't a problem for me - so it's your problem and you have to learn how to deal with it", and that was the extent of the discussion, we wouldn't be together, because we would not be compatible. His starting point was "this isn't a problem I would have, but if it is causing you pain, it is a problem for me, because I don't want to cause you pain."
Ummm, I may have misinterpreted the point you were trying to make, though. I am assuming that you are saying that sometimes we need to examine - and possible let go of - our feelings and positions in order to compromise. I can see cases in which that's true, but I think it's part of the process.
There are certainly things I had to examine and let go of; there are at least as many things that he examined in the same way. But I had to know - for myself - which was which. There were some things I let go of (my husband cannot be on time to save his life, and I was raised in a household where I was grounded for a week for being 5 minutes late) - but the decision was, and had to be, mine.