My mom came to a similar realization when my youngest brother was very young. Because he was her fourth child, she recognized that all this kid ever heard was "no" or "don't do that" or "stop that!" when he did impulsive and/or dangerous things.
Every kid hears "no" - but she had enough experience to recognize that he was hearing a lot more negative comments than positive ones - so she enlisted all of us to make a special point of being encouraging and positive and commenting on the things he *did* get right - even the little things we were taking for granted - to balance out the stuff we had to say no to.
It was hard work - and we had to keep reminding ourselves to do it - and to continue to praise the tiny things, even in the face of the BIG ENORMOUS things that weren't working.
Years later, we needed a report done by a psychologist for the school in order to get him into a particular program. The psychologist wrote his report without talking to my mom or even to my brother. My mom said "thanks but no thanks - if you're not going to talk to my son, we don't want your report". The doctor grumbled, "these kids are all teh same" - but agreed to meet with my brother and my mom, even though he considered it a waste of time.
Afterwards, he said to my mom that my brother was NOT what he was expecting - he was *miles* ahead of where he "should" be based on the doctor's experience. And the two things that the doctor pointed out as being the reasons he could see - were that my mom had treated her youngest the same as the other kids - he was expected to at least attempt every task that the other kids had done at that same age - and if we had to modify things a bit, that was fine, but the doctor was astonished that he knew how to use the bus system, and the library and could go up to retail clerks in stores and ask for assistance.
The second thing that he said, which he was also surprised by, was that "David likes David". He said that at this point, most kids in his situation had poor self-confidence and were so used to hearing only negative things, that they didn't have any belief in themselves as being a likeable human being.
My brother knows he is loved. He knows we get upset with him and he feels bad (for a while) when he disappoints us - but he knows he's loved.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2012-05-28 03:34 am (UTC)Every kid hears "no" - but she had enough experience to recognize that he was hearing a lot more negative comments than positive ones - so she enlisted all of us to make a special point of being encouraging and positive and commenting on the things he *did* get right - even the little things we were taking for granted - to balance out the stuff we had to say no to.
It was hard work - and we had to keep reminding ourselves to do it - and to continue to praise the tiny things, even in the face of the BIG ENORMOUS things that weren't working.
Years later, we needed a report done by a psychologist for the school in order to get him into a particular program. The psychologist wrote his report without talking to my mom or even to my brother. My mom said "thanks but no thanks - if you're not going to talk to my son, we don't want your report". The doctor grumbled, "these kids are all teh same" - but agreed to meet with my brother and my mom, even though he considered it a waste of time.
Afterwards, he said to my mom that my brother was NOT what he was expecting - he was *miles* ahead of where he "should" be based on the doctor's experience. And the two things that the doctor pointed out as being the reasons he could see - were that my mom had treated her youngest the same as the other kids - he was expected to at least attempt every task that the other kids had done at that same age - and if we had to modify things a bit, that was fine, but the doctor was astonished that he knew how to use the bus system, and the library and could go up to retail clerks in stores and ask for assistance.
The second thing that he said, which he was also surprised by, was that "David likes David". He said that at this point, most kids in his situation had poor self-confidence and were so used to hearing only negative things, that they didn't have any belief in themselves as being a likeable human being.
My brother knows he is loved. He knows we get upset with him and he feels bad (for a while) when he disappoints us - but he knows he's loved.