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Jul. 3rd, 2004 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
msagaraA number of discussions have cropped up recently that have made me think about the nature of relationships and attraction.
A word of context: I'm married, happily, have 2 children, and a large extended family, much of which is not related to me genetically. I've spent a good number of years building family, although I have a quirky, reasonable one for the most part, by birth.
3 conversations, very abbreviated:
1. A poly friend recently commented that I have an essentially poly lifestyle, absent the sex.
2. A younger friend asked me my opinion about a relationship she's currently involved in. I answered, and then, thinking out loud and without the benefit of internal editing, added, "My answer would have been different at 16, 20, 25, 30 and now."
3. Another friend and I were talking about what constitutes attractive in other people, and I realized that much of our criteria differed wildly because of our different lives -- we're close in age, but not situation. When he asked me my, I said, "I'm never going to sleep with another person again in my life, god willing, so what's attractive to me has changed with time to reflect this."
It's not that I don't appreciate beauty, but physical beauty in the classic North American sense has never been compelling to me in that particular way; I appreciate it at a distance, as if it were an act of nature, like sunsets. (I admit that I was upset for days when Sergei Grinkov died, and it's tied into that). I don't trust hormones, and frankly, anyone who lives in my house two days of every month would agree that this is wise. The last time we moved, my son's godfather blamed PMS. He's waiting to see what I do to top that <wry g>.
But I've grown fond of specific things. Honesty, when it's not wielded like a blunt instrument. Strength, in the adage sense that strength without gentleness is a form of brutality. Laughter, especially the laughter that is informed by an awareness of and acceptance of flaws. The ability to be oneself. I don't care enormously for cool, because cool in the social sense (as opposed to the geek toy sense, which is exempted) requires a certain constant awareness of an audience, and even the desire for one -- which implies to me some surrender of self for the sake of image.
I love people who can grab life, make it bright and visceral by sheer enjoyment. I could sit at the feet of Nalo Hopkinson for days.
When I was 16, and love was a primal act of nature, it seemed involuntary; it had no context. It, too, was visceral, all-encompassing; it had an intensity that nothing else compares with.
Now, it's a continual act of responsibility, choice and commitment, slower and quieter.
I'm not consciously aware of changing -- if asked, I would say that I haven't really changed at all -- but I so clearly have.
And I'm wondering how other people feel about the way they've altered their negotiations with life over the years; what they've given up and what they've gained.
I should now add that I think about these things with the same intensity, and the same distance, that I think of novel structure and writing process -- that to me, in many ways, the discussion isn't personal, but is deeply relevant and deeply interesting. I realize that this isn't the case for everyone, and if no one answers, because it's None Of My Business, that's fine, too <rueful g>.
A word of context: I'm married, happily, have 2 children, and a large extended family, much of which is not related to me genetically. I've spent a good number of years building family, although I have a quirky, reasonable one for the most part, by birth.
3 conversations, very abbreviated:
1. A poly friend recently commented that I have an essentially poly lifestyle, absent the sex.
2. A younger friend asked me my opinion about a relationship she's currently involved in. I answered, and then, thinking out loud and without the benefit of internal editing, added, "My answer would have been different at 16, 20, 25, 30 and now."
3. Another friend and I were talking about what constitutes attractive in other people, and I realized that much of our criteria differed wildly because of our different lives -- we're close in age, but not situation. When he asked me my, I said, "I'm never going to sleep with another person again in my life, god willing, so what's attractive to me has changed with time to reflect this."
It's not that I don't appreciate beauty, but physical beauty in the classic North American sense has never been compelling to me in that particular way; I appreciate it at a distance, as if it were an act of nature, like sunsets. (I admit that I was upset for days when Sergei Grinkov died, and it's tied into that). I don't trust hormones, and frankly, anyone who lives in my house two days of every month would agree that this is wise. The last time we moved, my son's godfather blamed PMS. He's waiting to see what I do to top that <wry g>.
But I've grown fond of specific things. Honesty, when it's not wielded like a blunt instrument. Strength, in the adage sense that strength without gentleness is a form of brutality. Laughter, especially the laughter that is informed by an awareness of and acceptance of flaws. The ability to be oneself. I don't care enormously for cool, because cool in the social sense (as opposed to the geek toy sense, which is exempted) requires a certain constant awareness of an audience, and even the desire for one -- which implies to me some surrender of self for the sake of image.
I love people who can grab life, make it bright and visceral by sheer enjoyment. I could sit at the feet of Nalo Hopkinson for days.
When I was 16, and love was a primal act of nature, it seemed involuntary; it had no context. It, too, was visceral, all-encompassing; it had an intensity that nothing else compares with.
Now, it's a continual act of responsibility, choice and commitment, slower and quieter.
I'm not consciously aware of changing -- if asked, I would say that I haven't really changed at all -- but I so clearly have.
And I'm wondering how other people feel about the way they've altered their negotiations with life over the years; what they've given up and what they've gained.
I should now add that I think about these things with the same intensity, and the same distance, that I think of novel structure and writing process -- that to me, in many ways, the discussion isn't personal, but is deeply relevant and deeply interesting. I realize that this isn't the case for everyone, and if no one answers, because it's None Of My Business, that's fine, too <rueful g>.
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Date: 2004-07-04 06:03 am (UTC)Experience reshaped my views in both jerks and jiggles; sometime, oh, fifteen years ago I realized I fall in love polyamorously--gender doesn't matter, age, or much else, but these relationships outside of my primary one are all non-sexual--and they are all totally without boundary. Thus I love to see those I love in love with someone else, because the love radiates outward. It's been that way all my life, but it took me very long to recognize it, and the realization was enormously freeing. There is no place for possession or jealousy. Love is.
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Date: 2004-07-04 06:07 am (UTC)I'd say more and say it less cryptically if we were just talking together, Michelle, but not here... :-)
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Date: 2004-07-04 07:52 am (UTC)I don't know if it's my "settled" situation, my age, or a combination of other factors (probably all of the above), but I do think my ideas and feelings about attractiveness have changed. In terms of physical attractiveness, there is an aesthetic distance now--looking at a beautiful man or woman is very much like looking at a beautiful painting or statue. I find that characters in novels and movies attract me for a variety of reasons--I like complexity, intelligence, a sense of honor, humor, compassion, strength, spiritual awareness.... These are the same qualities (although of course in a fictional setting they're usually magnified) that I also admire in my husband and my friends.
The other thing that has become increasingly attractive to me in recent years is prowess, in the sense of consummate mastery of one's art ("art" being rather loosely defined perhaps)--Yo-yo Ma playing the cello, Judi Dench putting just the right nuances into a scene, Jet Li executing a perfect form, even a UN ambassador spontaneously turning perfect phrase after perfect phrase in an interview.... I see this most closeup in my involvement in the Middle Eastern dance scene--and actually, this leads me to conclude that the attractiveness lies not just in the prowess but also in another, less definable element. When I watch a truly great dancer perform, she (or sometimes he) is so totally alive, so completely at one with the music, so present in the moment, that I am carried along. My self is enlarged--and at the same time, I feel closer to my core.... Well, I've probably veered off the topic somewhat at this point, but still--a person with the power to do that cannot but be attractive to me....
(no subject)
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Date: 2004-07-06 05:24 pm (UTC)And thank you for the thoughts above--I've only been married for two years, and so I don't yet have much perspective about things. Someday, someday.
(no subject)
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Date: 2004-07-11 01:17 am (UTC)That just means you're in fandom. :)
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Date: 2010-11-27 02:34 am (UTC)