If I were to guess at the cause of this (and by "guess" I mean "extrapolate from my own feelings onto the whole of the human race/western culture"--which I'm pretty sure is why the internet was invented) I'd blame it on the feeling of power imbalance in the relationship. A husband's willingness to say nasty things about his wife tickles the "this guy is cruel to his wife" nerve. What husband wants to be that dude?
I almost hate to say that I think this is spot on, because I in theory don't think there is a power imbalance in relationships -- but obviously, on some level, I'm reacting to a perceived imbalance in pretty much just the way you've extrapolated.
Along with that is the idea that the husband is supposed to protect his wife. Not just by, you know, not publicly attacking her, but by not spreading information that give other people cause to gossip.
And this too. All of which has given me things to think about, or to work at.
I was thinking that in some ways, wives venting about husbands is a by-product of the way in which we're pressured to pay attention to small details. Growing up, it was -- in the large extended family -- the women who were responsible for all the fiddly little things that made the household run, and they would get so very frustrated because their husbands simply did not pay attention, or care, about those details. So venting let off steam about the little things.
I definitely see the words or the venting as less threatening when women do it, but I didn't see it as part of that power imbalance. So... something to think about, because if my reaction is "this guy is cruel to his wife" on the one hand, it probably does mean the other hand exists in my subconscious worldview.
Probably I'm just full of crap, though.
Well, if you are, it's thoughtful crap, and I find it helpful.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2008-03-19 07:28 pm (UTC)I almost hate to say that I think this is spot on, because I in theory don't think there is a power imbalance in relationships -- but obviously, on some level, I'm reacting to a perceived imbalance in pretty much just the way you've extrapolated.
Along with that is the idea that the husband is supposed to protect his wife. Not just by, you know, not publicly attacking her, but by not spreading information that give other people cause to gossip.
And this too. All of which has given me things to think about, or to work at.
I was thinking that in some ways, wives venting about husbands is a by-product of the way in which we're pressured to pay attention to small details. Growing up, it was -- in the large extended family -- the women who were responsible for all the fiddly little things that made the household run, and they would get so very frustrated because their husbands simply did not pay attention, or care, about those details. So venting let off steam about the little things.
I definitely see the words or the venting as less threatening when women do it, but I didn't see it as part of that power imbalance. So... something to think about, because if my reaction is "this guy is cruel to his wife" on the one hand, it probably does mean the other hand exists in my subconscious worldview.
Probably I'm just full of crap, though.
Well, if you are, it's thoughtful crap, and I find it helpful.